Relentlessness – that has been my go to word for the struggle days of motherhood, the days when I don’t want to do it anymore or do any more – like today. The constant keeping on going and going and going. There just isn’t anymore room for me within it all. It was hard today to even have a few brief moments to myself – like to pee meant a little being was attached to me. One was teething which made the day so much harder.
But, then there is everything else that I have to keep going on. It’s a full time job being a mother and homekeeper (how do those parents do it who work full time too) and so many little (and big) things to tend to everyday. And a constant need to find something I need/want, to buy something that might make our lives better or just need (like omg! new undies!) but maybe at the moment there are just more things on my plate than normal. I have an anxious personality and a big dose of post-natal depression thrown in too which means every couple of weeks I just can’t take it anymore and lose my proverbial.
After getting Dad to tend to the crying 1 year old tonight, I climbed into bed with my 3 year old while crying myself. I still wanted to make sure he was okay. So I lay down beside him and wept a bit. Crying does help. I think it is okay for my boys to see emotions and how we deal with them. I apologised for getting angry and he said that he often cried when he was angry and that he would sing me a song (The Wheels on the Truck) to make me feel better. Heart warming.
That break was enough for me to go back to the 1 year old and get him to sleep – all he wanted was me but I didn’t have anymore to give.
I have a beautiful little book called Gift From the Sea by Anne Morrow Lindbergh (wife of aviator Charles Lindbergh) which has her thoughts on the different stages of being a woman from youth to old age, on love and marriage, peace, solitude and contentment. She wrote them in solitude by the beach in the mid 1950’s and it is still highly relevant today. It is a wonderful, grace filled reminder book but the piece that sticks in my mind at times like this is:
“…Is this what happens to woman? She wants perpetually to spill herself away. All her instinct as a woman – the eternal nourisher of children, of men, of society – demands that she give. Her time, her energy, her creativeness drain out into these channels if there is any chance, any leak. Traditionally we are taught, and instinctively we long, to give where it is needed – and immediately. Eternally, woman spills herself away in driblets to the thirsty, seldom being allowed the time, the quiet, the peace, to let the pitcher fill up to the brim…”
And I feel that I need that time to let the pitcher fill up to the brim. Most days I can do it with just a little fill like I cup of tea, but I long to get back into yoga but don’t have enough time in the day to do it and wonder why I can’t keep 10 minutes of meditation as a habit – I have tried a lot! And really yearn for something bigger and longer. Days even. But a holiday like that can’t happen till I stop breastfeeding (especially after a day like today!). Maybe this blog will be part of the solution as it was intended.
Thank you for listening. I know that I am not the only mother in this world who feels this and feel grateful for the support I do have and the advantages of the society that I do live in.
How do you find balance, bliss, peace, contentment and/or a deep connectedness to life and Self?
Photo of Tumbledown Bay, Banks Peninsula, New Zealand